British rebuild their empire

Um, this might be small news right now, as the Brits annex Zimbabwe and Jamaica, but when they ring the White House doorbell in a few months' time and say, "I'm terribly sorry, chaps, but could we have our country back?" people are going to sit up and take notice. He's a dark horse, that Tony Blair, making buddy-buddy with Bush, and then sneaking up and taking his country away while he's busy praying or something.

Angola grapples with Ebola-like virus outbreak

Meanwhile, the Republic of Ebola denies that there has been an outbreak of the Angola virus in one of its remote towns.

A Holy Week Marked by an Absence

Oh, I'm sure he'll be back in three days' time...

Sleep Apnea Can Be Deadly At Night

During the day, it's not so dangerous, but it can get you fired.

Fashion firms await court ruling

Will ridiculously high platform soles be declared legal for the first time since 1974, when a spate of traffic accidents led to Congress pushing through the Prohibition Bill?

Britain's Camilla 'Happy' Not to Be Queen - Aides

No, she'd prefer to be known as Her Royal Ugliness.

Vegetative state can give kin false hope

A common problem in Appalachia. A typical family discussion goes something like this:

"I think I saw Billy-Joe's eyelids twitchin', mama. Maybe he's in a vegetative state?"
"Hush, little fool! Billy-Joe, he don't turn vegetative till past noon. Before the moonshine wears off, he's dead as a doornail."

Pope Misses Palm Sunday Services for First Time

He was obviously in deep discussions with the cardinals over whether Catholics should be warned against buying Ziploc bags (see previous headline).

US Close To Approving Plan B Emergency Contraceptive

Ah, yes - the Plan B Emergency Contraceptive. Otherwise known as the snack-size Ziploc bag.

Jackson's Adult Magazines Signal Strategy

I can just imagine Jacko doing semaphore with Playboy mags from his jail cell window.

U.S. Rocker Kravitz Gives Guitar to Brazil's Poor

If only Brazil's poor had enough money to pay for millions of guitar lessons.