Squirrel wins fight to stay in Canada

American tomcat forlornly pawing window in border crossing immigration office.

Vatican adapts to new communication age

Will be releasing digital smoke signals to announce new Pope.

Key highlights of pope's life

He's not dead yet (unless those conflicting reports are true) and already the obituaries have begun. Let's hope he doesn't make a miraculous (™ the Vatican) recovery or one of the highlights of his life will have been "4/1/05 - Pope leaps out of bed, saying, 'April Fools!'"

Conflicting Reports From Italy That Pope Has Died

How can you have conflicting reports that the Pope has died? Surely they're conflicting reports about his health, otherwise, what? - some reports say he died of a heart attack, some in a plane crash, and others that he was eaten by a mountain lion? Now those would be conflicting reports that he's died.

Counting of votes begins in Zimbabwe

...2 minutes later: "Finished!"

Key Findings of the WMD Commission

1. Worst excuse for a war since Helen of Troy was kidnapped.
2. Most convincing piece of evidence for Iraqi WMDs was a fortune cookie opened by ex-CIA head George Tenet, which read, "Beware of former allies."
3. Bush thought that WMDs stood for Women, Men and Donkeys. Of course Iraq was full of women, men and donkeys!
4. Most American taxpayers are quite happy to fund wars in far-off countries against shifty-looking men with mustaches.

Johnnie Cochran Dies of Brain Tumor

OJ Simpson vows to "find the real killer."

Psychologist to Testify in Jacko Case

...expected to attest that Jackson is "The craziest person ever."

Political leaders struggle for stability in Kyrgyzstan

Average citizens struggle to spell or pronounce Kyrgyzstan.

On Wall Street, a Rise in Dismissals Over Ethics

Good, it's about time. There was a disturbingly high amount of ethics on Wall Street, and I'm glad to see that these ethical bastards are being dismissed in droves so that we can get back to the good old days of the 80's.

Astronauts Take Space Walk, Fit Antennas

...now flipping continuously through ESPN, the Golf Network and 53 channels of porn. Both said to be: "Over the moon."

Easter commemorates resurrection of Christ

This is news?