McDonalds Celebrates 50 Years

Portion of fries saved for posterity on opening day by Ray Krok still mysteriously mold-free.

McDonald's to test espresso drinks this summer

American kids are not quite hyper enough, apparently.

Cardinals Destroy John Paul's Ring Before Conclave

Using the traditional method of tossing it into the fiery pit of hell with the aid of two hobbits and a golem.

Papal Elections Have Surprising History

Unexpected past results attributed to cardinals "puffing the wrong kind of white smoke."

Wendys eager to find owner of severed finger

Nicole Richie's claim that Paris Hilton gave her the finger earlier this week when kicking her off The Simple Life is, as yet, unsubstantiated.

Bankruptcy Requirements to Get Tougher

In the future, no-one who has ever declared bankruptcy will be allowed to star in a reality TV series based upon their success in business.

No need for panic

A deadly virus has been lost in the mail. Tomorrow's headline: "Okay - now you can panic"

NASA fuels shuttle for first time in more than two years

So-called 'rocket scientists' finally figure out that high gas prices are here to stay.

Britney Spears Pregnant

Following Pope's death, other five signs of Apocalypse expected in coming weeks.

Tiger is one more reason to buy a Mac - Jobs

Apparently Woods won golf's Masters championship last weekend using a set of Apple's sleek, new, semi-transparent iClubs.

Recording Industry Sues Users of Internet2

A spokesman for the RIAA told reporters, "We've decided to stop making music altogether and focus our business activities on lengthy, unpopular trials, as we believe this will be more profitable in the long term."

Rumsfeld, in Iraq, Warns of Pitfalls for Leaders

He advised the Iraqis that they should draw up their new constitution with great care, because, hey - you never know, 200-odd years after gaining their freedom from oppression, some crackpot could take control of their republic and invade a country far away that never attacked them, costing thousands of lives and tons of money.

Met Opera Is Threatened on Some Commercial Radio

Will those terrorists stop at nothing? Now they're threatening people with opera on commercial radio, which decent folk everywhere know should consist entirely of classic rock or hip-hop.

Jackson Cook Takes Stand

Testifies that Jacko's favorite dish was Macaulayflower cheese.

Bush demands Israel stick to "road map" peace

And when they can handle the "road map" peace maybe they'll have a go at trying for some "real world" peace.

Jackson's Mother Explains Brief Absence

She told reporters that absent briefs were a normal part of Neverland life.

Joan Rivers Promises Lingerie for Camilla

Uuuurgh...I'm going to have horrible, horrible dreams tonight.

Administration has spent at least $2.2 million so far

And that's just on a private geography tutor for little Georgie.

Effort To Quell Curiosity About New Pope

Cardinals will deliver daily Michael Jackson trial updates to distract election followers.

Earth's oldest known object on display

Dick Clark's umbilical cord.