Citing Flaws, Maker Recalls Heart Devices

Isn't that easier said than done? It's not like taking your Ford to the dealership when you have a wonky heart pacemaker.

MasterCard Says 40 Million Files Are Put at Risk

Having effective software security - priceless.

Fourth Quake Shakes Calif

The first three quakes destroyed the last 5 letters of its name, and residents are worried that they'll soon be living in Ca.

President Addresses War

Dear War,

You've been good to me and my father so far, but in the last few months I feel like I've been getting a bum deal. You get the blood, I get the glory - that's what we shook on. You're still piling on the death and mayhem on a daily basis, but my ratings are plummeting.

Let's have a lunch meeting tomorrow and discuss renegotiating the terms of our contract. I think that maybe we should be looking to develop new products, as the Iraq line seems to be getting tired. Iran is the obvious option, as it only requires a minor rebranding effort, though North Korea would be a great new market too.

Call me on my cell to discuss when and where.

Yours,

George

Schiavo Autopsy Disputed

Parents insist she's "not brain dead yet."

Canadian Military Performs First Gay Wedding

Wonder what the Chinese spies made of this? (see previous post)

China has 1,000 spies in Canada

For most nations this would be bad news, but for Canada, it seems kind of cool.

Tsunami Warning Canceled After California Quake

Scientists reveal that the seismic activity was in fact caused by Michael Jackson's attorney accidentally dropping a huge sack of cash on the way to his SUV.

Jackson Accuser Having 'Difficult Time'

Accuser's mother said to be scanning People magazine for next target.

Obese Smokers Get Old Quick

Isn't the problem with obese people and smokers that they often don't get old at all?

Lawyer says Jackson won't share his bed with boys anymore

Apparently Jacko will limit juvenile male contact to "drinks around the Neverland Bar and the occasional pillow fight."

Senate sorry for inaction on lynching

Senators expressed regret that they didn't intervene sooner to make sure that the Michael Jackson lynching was successful.

Jackson Acquitted on All 10 Counts

The real verdict: kids say the darndest things.

UFW Plans to Call Boycott of Wine in Talks With Gallo

I guess that makes them wine whiners.

Uzbekistan Tests U.S. Policy Goals

This would fall under the category of: "Things to do when you are a country named Uzbekistan". Other activities might consist of: pretending you are Khazakstan and seeing if anyone notices, and finding a couple named Becky and Stan and striking up a correspondence-based friendship.