Bush has plan to fight malaria

He's going to invade Iran.

Europe Proposes Ban on Torture and Execution Equipment

Ban unfortunately excludes new reality TV formats.

Teflon likely to cause cancer

If only Dupont could make the tumors non-stick this wouldn't be so bad.

Boeing names 3M CEO as new boss

Considerable savings expected now that new planes will be held together with Scotch tape and Post-it Notes will replace computer readouts.

Judge Gives Reporters One Week to Testify or Face Jail

One small step for a man, one giant leap into totalitarianism for America.

Canada won't be cheap 'drug store for US'

But will continue to be cheap 'fresh water and electricity store for US'. In return, US promises to continue in its role as cheap 'smog supplier'.

Bush Creates More Security Agencies

The ultimate goal: an agency for every terrorist. That'll scare the turbans off 'em.

U.S., India sign 10-year defense pact

The US will be supplying the bombs, radar and aircraft, India will be manning the call centers to warn the population of impending attack.

China backs thermo-nuclear site in France

If you think about it, who wouldn't back holding an experiment in creating energy that could implode like a million atom bombs in a place on the other side of the planet? Especially when France is that place.

Blair is 'unfit and drinking'

Tony has finally become the perfect British Prime Minister.

Voices behind Tigger, Piglet die

Eyeore said to be "depressed", thinks he "might die too."