Deal Struck for More Sunshine

'Deal struck for more moonshine' would have impressed me as to the open-mindedness of American lawmakers, and would have coincided nicely with the Dukes of Hazzard movie release.

Mexico, Canada Introduce Third Plan to Expand Security Council

Plan involves giving a permanent seat to 'North American country other than the US'.

Pentagon: Iraq Progress 'on Track'

It would be really nice if the Pentagon would tell everyone exactly what this track they're on consists of, and where it's heading.

Dozens of Chemicals Found in Most Americans' Bodies

Those would be prescription drugs, right?

US-Canada drug tunnel uncovered

This would be for prescription drugs, right?

Discovery given new launch date

Shuttle will take off once warp drive, deflector shields and dilithium crystals are fitted, sometime around 2070.

RIP, Scotty.

RICE ANGER OVER MANHANDLING

The US Secretary of State explained in a heated exchange with Sudanese officials that, despite her tough exterior, she is not a man, and that she takes just like a woman, yes she does, she makes love just like a woman, yes she does, and she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl.

Squirrel fires regular occurrence in Canadian border town

Canada makes a pathetic attempt to get in on the terrorized-by-suicide-bombers bandwagon.

Indonesia confirms human bird flu deaths

I really gotta get me over to Indonesia and check out those human birds before they all die of the flu.

Singing drivers may be safer, study says

Safer than singing bus-riders, that's for sure.

Pentagon Says China Seeks to Extend Military Reach

Well, I wonder who the Chinese could have been inspired by?

Seeking Moderate Support, Blair Meets Muslim Leaders

Isn't it easy to get the moderates to support you, Tony? Wouldn't it be much more difficult, yet much more useful, to get one or two hard-liners on your side? I it all depends on whether he's trying to create the illusion that he's making an effort to deal with Muslim extremists, or whether he's trying to actually engage in a constructive dialogue with them.

Dark chocolate lowers high blood pressure

Some headlines lower blood pressure; others raise it.

Abortion clinic bomber sentenced to life in jail

I don't quite understand why this guy doesn't get labelled a terrorist.

Hewlett-Packard to slash 14,500 jobs, after IBM move

Will they change all those little plusses in their ads to minuses now?

Birdflu appears to be mutating again

Life is just so...pesky. Wouldn't it be better if nothing ever changed?

Transplant Games on track today

Is this like macabre poker? "I'll bid a kidney and raise you two hearts."

'The happiest place on Earth' marks 50 years

And I always thought the Playboy Mansion was built in the sixties.

Sen. Clinton seeks 'Grand Theft' sex scene probe

It's the American way: sex...uuuurghh, extreme violence - you go, kids!

Very Much Alive, Thank You

Just like in a Scooby Doo episode, Bush pulls off his mask to reveal...Richard Nixon!

Bush in tricky position over Rove

Yes he is - would you want to fire your brain, no matter how much trouble it had gotten you into?

Schwarzenegger explains stance on food supplements

Arnie apparently said, "Everyone should take food with their supplements once in a while."