Doctors Give Bush High Marks on Physical

The mental examination results weren't released to the public.

UPDATE: Washington assures Moscow it still regards Basayev an international terrorist

But, you know, ratings are ratings...

Next week, Osama bin Laden shows off the latest Kaftan trends on Entertainment Tonight.

Astronaut's mom says she is as worried as any other mom would be

Of course what she means is, "as worried as any other mom who's son just took off in a spaceship that frequently explodes would be."

Senate Approves Bill Protecting Gun Businesses

Don't they have guns? Can't they protect themselves?

Bush Plans to Bypass Senate, Appoint Bolton

First step: bypass the Senate.
Second step: declare yourself Emperor.
Third step: build Death Star.

Alternatively, step three may precede step two, depending on logistics, political climate and strength of the Force.

British Army Moves to Match IRA

This is a little surprising. Does Bush know that the Brits are planning to throw down their weapons and pursue peaceful, political solutions? Then again, who needs an army with guns, when the police are so trigger-happy?

Tiny customers 'won't get money'

Apparently this story has something to do with a British computer company, but I like to imagine a hoard of angry oompa-loompas hammering in vain on the locked doors of a bank.

Test Version of Windows Vista Released

Is Vegas giving odds on which will crash first - the space shuttle or the new Windows?

Some scientists still trust Echinacea

Some scientists still trust God, but he won't cure their colds either.

Virtual Colonoscopy Can Be More Revealing, Study Finds

But for some a lot less fun than the old fashioned finger-up-the-bum routine.

FIX IT – 360km ABOVE EARTH

Yet another one of those home makeover reality TV shows.

Railroad Must Cover Birth Control

I can't wait to see the locomotive-sized condoms used for going into tunnels.

Bush to Seek More Funding for Faith-Based Charities

Because, let's face it, you can't have spirituality without tons of corporate cash.

North Korea Pledges to Work Toward Denuclearization

Now we all can live in hope that our grandchildren might see the day when godawful words like 'denuclearization' will no longer be a threat to our way of life.

Ricky Martin to Shield Arab Youth From Stereotyping

Latino hearthrob singer set to re-record one of his biggest hits to counter prejudicial view of Muslim women as potential suicide bombers. 'She Doesn't Bang' will be released in mid-August.

Sony unit agrees to end bribes for radio airplay

Maybe music fans should sue the recording industry for keeping good music hidden from them so that they have to download it 'illegally' online.

Operation Kratos allows 'shoot to kill' policy

Following last Friday's balls-up, Scotland Yard renames policy Operation Krapos.

Biggest manhunt for London attackers; third suspect grilled

The first two suspects were roasted on a spit and boiled alive, respectively. British PM Tony Blair defends shoot-to-kill-then-cook-and-eat policy as a necessary measure for an extraordinary situation.

Brazilian's Killing Sparks Outrage at Home

Quite right too. Brazil is world-famous for its police death squads, and doesn't want to be challenged in that regard by amateurish Brits.

British Cops trained in Israel

That information is sure to endear the Brits to Islamic extremists. The War on Terror bungles on...