Fire Destroys Marie Osmond's Garage

Praise the Lord! There must have been no disaster, starvation or war in the world today for this headline to have been written.

Guardsmen Took 'Rent' From Iraqi Businesses

It's good to see that democracy and freedom are gradually being instilled in the local population by the standard-bearers of liberty.

Shuttle crew pack up to go home

You think they'll each wear an extra pair of underpants on the trip back?

Orioles Fire Mazzilli, Appoint Perlozzo

Not so good at baseball, but still #1 at Scrabble.

US Navy Sends Robot to Help Save Trapped Russian Submariners

That's just showing off. Or a scenario for a bad thriller.

Golfers Say Deputy Drew Gun

A scene from the new movie The Dukes of Water Hazzard.

President reignites evolution debate

I can understand that; I've often listened to Bush and wondered if evolution could possibly be true.

Ten days of North Korea talks, 2,000 cups of coffee

Um, shouldn't the guys in charge of nuclear weapons drink chamomile tea or something else that makes them less jittery?

First Cloned Dog Is a One-in-a-Thousand Success

"Woof! Woof!"
"What's that you say, Lassie?"
"Woof! Woof!"
"Little Timmy and the other astronauts are stuck in space and need rescuing?"
"Woof! Woof!"
"Good dog!"

Jackson children deal 'in sight'

He's buying up children?

US toll in Iraq soars past 1800

There was some headline or other yesterday about oil prices soaring above $62 a barrel that I didn't think worth commenting on at the time...

Mauritania's 'pro-US' president overthrown

Bush takes out his "Big Ol' Oil Atlas" to find out where the heck Mauritania is and whether it's worth invading.

All aboard survive Toronto Airbus crash

Rumors that NASA will be contracting Airbus to design the next generation of space shuttles are apparently untrue.

'It was a little bit like being in a movie'

In what way is escaping from a crippled jet just before it's engulfed in flames a little bit like being in a movie? Like being an actor in a movie with extremely realistic pyrotechnics? Like watching a movie as the movie theatre catches fire? Reality just isn't real enough for some people, I guess.

Redesign Is Seen for Next Craft, NASA Aides Say

Airbags will be standard.

Iraqis Promising a Constitution by the Deadline

It's a fledgling democracy under occupation by a foreign power and on the brink of civil war, with rival religious and ethnic groups vying for power, so - hey! why not cobble something together hurriedly and call it a Constitution? At least future historians will be able to say, "Iraq quickly went to hell in a handbasket, but they were good at meeting deadlines."

Canadian Researchers Test Laser-Radar

Why are the Americans so concerned about the likes of Iran and North Korea with their half-assed nuclear programs, when Canada has invented the death ray?

Bush to Address Boy Scouts at Jamboree

He probably won't be asking them to show him how to make fire.