Bush Sending More Troops to Gulf Coast

The president said in a statement to journalists that he would "stay the course until order is restored, and normal lives free of fear can resume for millions of Iraqis," before realizing he was reading from the wrong script.

Switzerland to make oil available to US

President Bush promised to send supplies of American chocolate to the Swiss if they were ever to suffer a similar catastrophe to Hurricane Katrina.

Putin orders thorough probe into Beslan school siege

You know, when it takes you a year to order the 'thorough probe', it probably isn't going to be all that 'thorough'.

US Poverty Rate Was Up Last Year

You have to hand it to the Republicans - they sure know how to implement their policies effectively.

New Orleans Slides Into Chaos; U.S. Scrambles to Send Troops

Aren't there thousands of troops stationed all over the Southeastern US? Where are they? Oh.

Jailed Russian Oil Tycoon Says He Plans to Run for Parliament

I'm convinced that a fair number of politicians should be behind bars, so at least this guy is starting off on the right foot.

Researchers: Chimp is man's closest living relative

I wish I'd received that research grant. Anyone watching the average presidential press briefing could have come to that conclusion.

Cell Phones Don’t Cause Cancer

Oh, come on - everyone knows that phones don't kill people. Ringtones do.

Bush gives new reason for Iraq war

#34 in George's Big Book of Reasons: Southeastern US needs more sand for sandbags.

695 Dead, 180 Hurt in Iraq Bridge Stampede

If the Yanks hadn't brought all that cattle over with them this never would have happened. Apparently Bush's guys slipped a little line into the draft constitution, renaming the country New Texas.

Martin Sheen joins anti-war protestors

Vietnam had Jane Fonda. Stop playing with Brad and join the demo, Angelina.

Katrina leaves disaster zone

Um, wasn't there an 80's band called Katrina and the Waves? Isn't that slightly strange?

North Korea Delays Resuming Talks on Ending Nuclear Programs

Probably to enable evil genius Kim Jong-il to do some final tweaking on his mega-bomb hidden in a remote island volcano.

Weapons Sales Worldwide Rise to Highest Level Since 2000

Good news! I was worried that armies, terrorists and mercenaries were starting to run out of money because of rising gas prices.