Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal buried in Israel

Several old German guys nervously poke their noses out of their front doors in Paraguay and say, "Iz zis a trick? Can ve come out now?"

Cheney to undergo knee operation

The vice-president strained the joint after repeatedly kneeing the nation's poor in the groin during his six years at Bush's side.

New evolution spat in US schools goes to court

I wish I'd studied harder so I could be the judge who decides how life began. It's funny, isn't it, how relativism is anathema to Christians where God is concerned, but fine where science is concerned...

Bush ignored warnings on Iraq: Saudi prince

How will history remember George W. Bush? Head-in-sand ostrich? Ignorant buffoon? Megalomaniac warmonger? Pathetic cronyist? At this point it seems that the best he can hope for is a kind of blurred, undistinguished legacy like Taft, who was replaced just before the World War One...

World war three in 2009, anyone? Things are shaping up nicely in the Middle East.

Putin To Host Call-In Show In Near Future

I guess a typical conversation would go something like this:

Putin: You're on air. Yuri from Moscow.
Caller: Hi Vlad!
Putin: What's your question?
Caller: How come there's a general feeling of lawlessness around this city and complete contempt for individual rights throughout the country? I mean, it seems that the rich can just hire thugs and get whatever they want, while the poor are scrounging for scraps. How is this better than Communism and what are you...oh, wait, there's a knock at the door... (in the distance) Hello? (dull thud).
Putin: Next caller.

Submarine Vets Call For Release of Report

How many animals do they have on submarines to require the services of several vets? Perhaps that's what this supressed report is all about.

World Golf Team Ready for Presidents Cup

Who are they going to play? The Martian team?

Clinton, Lewinsky Condoms Sold in China

Wow - only 7 years later. They really do have tight media censorship over there.

For Passengers, Humor, Tears - Then Cheers

Just a regular New York City cab ride.

Schwarzenegger Admits Errors

...explains that his recent software upgrade should prevent future glitches, and that his synthetic skin has been re-upholstered using the latest nanotechnology to ensure he'll be viable for a second term and beyond. Far beyond.

NASA's Moon mission could mean role for Canada

Yes it's true - the first ever lunar zamboni will be sent up to make sure the moon's surface is nice and smooth for American astronauts.

Ex-Tyco Officers Get 8 to 25 Years

8 to 25 years? Isn't that the kind of vague number-fudging that got them convicted?

Schizophrenia drugs work poorly, study suggests

Oddly, page 2 of the report says that they work quite effectively.

Residents Trickle Back to New Orleans

Was 'trickle' really the best verb to use in this case?

Back to Moon via 'Apollo on Steroids'

If the plan was to send astronauts to Mars on Viagra, NASA might get more popular support for their project. As well as guaranteed corporate sponsorship.

British tanks smash Iraqi jail to free UK soldiers

It's good to see that the fledgling Iraqi judicial system has the support of those who are doing the nation-building.

Al-Qaida Leader Faults Afghan Elections

Not enough suicide bombers, apparently.

A retro look to next US spacecraft

Maybe this is a new reality TV show: Queer Eye for the Space Guys.

Germany turns hard left to limbo

That sounds dangerous, and if I were German I'd be worried about twisting my bratwurst.

Vatican Releases Official Record of Pope John Paul II's

The CD, entitled Dyin'La Vida Roma, includes covers of rock-pop classics such as I Feel Fine, Losing My Religion, and Living on a Prayer. A follow-up, Get Off of My Cloud, is in the works if sales of the first record meet expectations.

North Korea Says It Will Abandon Nuclear Efforts

North Korea agreed to end its nuclear weapons program in return for security, economic and energy benefits. Leader Kim Jong Il awarded the World Poker Association Order of Merit for best bluff.

Motley Crue's Neil Breaks Leg at Concert

The singer has made an astonishingly quick recovery following a visit by Dr. Feelgood.

Plans advancing for world's first face transplant

Doctors plan to go ahead with the operation despite the realization that every potential donor had also applied to be a recipient, leading to the interesting philosophical question: "If all the ugly people in the world swapped their faces, would anyone notice?"