Legally blonde: Anna Nicole Smith takes her case to Supreme Court

Did the Senate committee question John G. Roberts on his opinion regarding large-breasted blonde ditzes before he was appointed Chief Justice? The public needs to know.

Germany's election Between Caesar and Chernenko

And why not. Old, white men win most elections, so old, dead white men won't change much.

Generals Say Iraq War Strategy Is Working

And that's what's really worrying.

House OKs rewrite of Endangered Species Act

The original endangered species are all dead now.

EU Ministers to Hold Meeting on Turkey

It's about time the Europeans had a Thanksgiving holiday.

Labor: The elephant in the conference hall

I don't know about you, but I'd get the heck out of the hall if there's an elephant in labor there.

Lilly issues warning for its attention-deficit drug

It turns out that the drug doesn't actually HEY! there's a spider on my printer.

Republican troubles deepen

Oh, don't worry, GOP - Iran will be invaded soon enough and everyone will forget all about these pesky 'troubles'.

Louisiana Governor Lobbies for Job Creation

He'd like a job as governor of a state with better weather.

Eight charged with Star Wars piracy

What - the Millennium Falcon's hyperspace drive was on the blink and they couldn't flee? They're a threat to the Empire and should be hanged, I say.

Apple admits screen flaws in iPod nano music player

Let's just call it Apple Mac-rosoft.

Putin Indicates He Won't Stay in Kremlin Past 2008

Why would he need to? His cronies will keep him in vodka, dachas and Svetlanas till he dies.

Pfc. England gets 3-year prison term

A military tribunal found her guilty of being caught on camera abusing prisoners, which is against the US Army code of ethics. Article 73.2.1 of the code states that all prisoner humiliation and torture should photographed with military personnel standing behind the camera.

Tiger Woods Brings Golf to Central Park

Oh great - now muggers will be able to carry 9-irons with impunity.

L.A. Hospital Halts Organ Program

It's a shame, because it was a great show. Children the world over loved watching the wacky antics of Uncle Liver, the Kidney Kids, lazy, good-for-nothing Andy Appendix, and, of course, the mysterious Senor Pancreas.

Drive less, save energy, Bush urges Americans

The presidential buggy is being brought out of mothballs and Horse 1 is being harnessed.

Iran's uranium gas unusable for atomic fuel-diplomats

That's a shame. We'll just have to find some fuel somewhere else, because I'm really excited to see those atomic fuel diplomats at their turbocharged briefings and explosive cocktail parties.

Briefly: Cheney artery surgery reported successful

It turns out that a small amount of blood was actually circulating in the vice-president's heart, but the tiny gap has been plugged by surgeons.