Bush's risky flu pandemic plan

The plan is to introduce the flu to Iraq and hope that the war situation improves. Risky, yes, but it could just work.

Drugs allegations put Boy George's career in doubt

Boy George has a career?

The Latest Las Vegas Attraction: Sumo Wrestlers

I've never been to Vegas, but if they could somehow introduce Celine Dion into this show, I might just make the trip.

Army Plans to Reorganize, Not Expand, to Meet Combat Needs

Details include having the Commander-in-Chief actually putting on a uniform and leading his men into battle.

Bush said God told him to invade Iraq, Arab leaders say

Is this the same God fellow who said, "Thou shallt not kill"? I guess Bush wasn't listening to that part. Or.... maybe it wasn't God you were listening to, George... ever think about that?

Bush: Iraq will be cleared of terrorists 'city by city'

How can anyone seriously think that terrorism will be wiped out by simply removing some of the individuals who are perpetrating it? Surely it's obvious that crackpot idealism is the root of terrorism. In other words, the cause lies in men's brains, not their bodies. Then again, the president is a little wanting in the brains department, so who can blame him for not realizing it?

Prince Charles and Camilla to visit San Francisco on US tour

The tour is being billed as a "Limey drag-queen double act".

Concerns about Miers persist

One of the main concerns being: how do we know she's any good as a judge when she's never been a judge before? Judge Judy has more experience than her! Ah, what the heck - it's only the Supreme Court - nothing important.

President Cites Flu Epidemic Risk, Suggests Role for Troops

Surely he's not planning to shoot people before they can spread the infection? No - that would be more like the kind of thing Dick Cheney would suggest.

Why Skid Row Has Become L.A.'s 'Dumping' Ground

They might want to change its name to something other than Skid Row. Names are worth a lot, you know. Just ask those guys at the Pentagon who came up with 'collateral damage' and phrases like that.

Hotel Mogul to Buy Mammoth Ski Area

You see, it's ideas like this that make moguls moguls and me a penniless writer. I would definitely go out of my way to see mammoths lazing around in a zoo, never mind skiing. Though I might suggest that you add some moguls to the course, Mr. Mogul, to make it even more entertaining.

Bush: Abortion not discussed with nominee

I knew Harriet Miers used to be White House secretary, but I had no idea he'd gotten her pregnant.

Bush defends Supreme Court nominee as 'best he could find'

Yes, well, this is a guy who couldn't find Canada on a map before being elected.

Nobel discovery 'bloody obvious'

Maybe Paris Hilton will win next year's prize for discovering that she's not ready for marriage.

Seattle may impose new 4-foot-rule on strippers

Okay, Seattle, you don't need my business? I'll take my new Munchkin-themed strip club concept elsewhere then.

Monitors Find Significant Fraud in Afghan Elections

It's great to see that the Republican version of democracy is being successfully exported to post-dictatorial states such as Afghanistan.

Paris Hilton: 'I'm Not Ready for Marriage'

This headline should be accompanied by the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme music, as she finally displays the first signs of intelligence.