George Takei reveals he's gay

I'm going to re-watch some of the old Star Trek episodes and count how many times Captain Kirk asks Mr. Sulu to "take the helm" or "apply the thrusters".

Iran Says It Has No Intention of Attacking Israel

No, it's just the maps the president has a problem with.

Bush Heads to Camp David to Ponder Nominee

So it'll be a weekend of eeny, meeny, miny, mo then.

Hurricane Beta churns off Nicaragua's jungle coast

Hurricane 1.0 is expected to be released late spring 2006.

White House Plans to Deflect

After installing the shields the tractor beam will be calibrated and the warp drive fired up just as soon as Dick Cheney can find enough dilithium crystals.

Japan developing remote control for humans

Now George won't have to nominate his friends to the Supreme Court.

Wal-Mart Memo Suggests Ways to Cut Employee Benefit Costs

That's easy: get sick and you're fired.

Danny Glover Joins 'Dreamgirls' Chorus Line

Oh great - now I'm going to have weird dreams tonight.

NASA's elevator contest

They're asking participants to design an elevator which goes up and comes back down again without exploding every now and again.

Protocols of Zion: review

Well this sure is a great news day for Israel!

Iran Leader Calls for Israel's Destruction

Dick Cheney rubs his hands in glee. This is an even better excuse for a war than the last one!

Miers will be questioned on independence from Bush, senator says

The president was latter spotted practising his ventriloquism skills in the Oval Office.

Viagra is good for the heart, say scientists

Men are just so romantic.

Bush Picks Successor to Fed Chief Greenspan

In a surprise to many political observers, the president chose unknown Ben S. Bernanke ahead of his own mother.

Gwyneth and Victoria pregnant?

That's what happens when you bend it like Beckham.

Van Halen headed for Rock Star?

Oh dear. This is going to get very ugly, very fast.

Canada presses softwood attack ahead of Rice visit

The Great White North shuns nuclear bombs, jet fighters and satellite-guided missiles and catches the US completely off-guard by launching a surprise pre-emptive strike using... softwood. Condoleeza Rice is expected to repel the attack by growling viciously at the prime minister.