What to know if you encounter a prince or a duchess

The prince is the one wearing the dress.

Unrest spreads as Parisians tire of violence

What, for the first week they thought the violence was cool, but now they're feeling some Gallic ennui about the whole thing?

Passengers tell of pirate attack

I know piracy is illegal and scary, but I would really, really like to be able to tell my grandchildren that I survived a pirate attack.

Diet secrets from 'thin' countries

Several African nations are apparently proposing "getting screwed by the World Bank" as a weightloss option.

Hip-to-waist ratio best predictor of heart disease: Study

Good news! I just need to make my hips fatter and I won't have a coronary.

Mothers can be sued by unborn children injured in car accidents

I'm concerned that this may create a new category of lawyers; an offshoot of 'ambulance chasers' called 'umbilical chasers'.

Shave your legs from the inside

This activity is probably what got Jesica Simpson placed in therapy.

How to make up for a lack of sexual chemistry

You could, say, become president and bomb the hell out of a country far, far away. Or start your own houseware brand and transform yourself into a reality TV host.

Suspects vanish in CIA 'gulag'

Makes you wonder who won the Cold War...

Jessica Simpson in therapy

Jessica Simpson has subconscious thoughts?

Stomach's 'Little Brain' Detects Lies

My stomach doesn't have a little brain. No, my penis has a little brain and my stomach has a big brain. It's just the way God made me. I like to call it intelligent design.

Bush unveils $7.1 billion avian flu plan

$7 billion for pharmaceutical companies, $0.1 billion for duck lures and shotguns.

Three's company for Pluto

Disney's porn division has released its first title.

Alito's record shows backing of business interests

The US certainly needs more people in power who are looking after the interests of business. Good choice yet again, George!

FDIC chief to head hurricane repair

FDIC stands for Friends of Dick 'Inside-job' Cheney.

Try again, Germany

Jeez - it's bad enough that Iran wants to wipe Israel off the map without headlines like this.

Tough days ahead for Bush, but how will history rate him?

History will rate him?

Microsoft plans online version of Windows

Great - now the internet will have its own blue screen of death.

Pastor Electrocuted During Baptism

If you're religious, there are two options: either God just didn't like him, or he was about to baptise the future antichrist and was prevented from doing so by the devil. Your choice.

Government to Unveil Super-Flu Strategy

We're talking abou a bunch of guys who've been acting like chickens with their heads cut off for the last five years, so they should know what to do about bird flu.