Life got no porpoise? Try dolphin therapy

This seems like a fishy theory to me. And the headline writer might want to scale back on the bad puns, or maybe eel fin-d himself all washed up.

Scientists discover singing iceberg

The enormous frozen mountain is believed to have been performing the theme to Titanic. With considerably more genuine warmth then the original recording by Celine Dion.

New English drinking laws begin

In summary: everyone must drink at least 4 beers a day, throw up in a taxi every second weekend and head-butt a stranger once a month, or the queen will be very angry with you.

Tom Cruise buys ultrasound machine

The multi-millionaire actor was quoted as saying that he will be using the machine to "see my ego right up close." Assuming the machine can handle the task, of course.

Homes must only be 'quiet' during delivery: Cruise

In solidarity with the mom-to-be, Tom will grin and bear it in silence as doctors shove a watermelon up his ass.

Jackson 'called Jews leeches'

Okay, before everyone gets upset... even if this is true, would you care if a freak like Michael Jackson called you a nasty name?

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage over

Having watched a couple of episodes of their Newleyweds reality TV show it's hard to believe that they're no longer a couple. They seemed to have such a lot in common, no communication issues and a similar level of intellig... oh.

Cloning guru admits egg scandal

Following the press conference the scientist was seen getting into a car driven by someone who looked exactly like him.

Computer Worm Poses as E-Mail From FBI, CIA

You know, anyone who thinks that either the FBI or CIA have sent them an email and opens it deserves to have their hard drive wiped clean.

Editors are threatened over TV station bombing claim

The editors were told that if they don't stop reporting the story about Bush wanting to bomb Al-Jazeera, he'll bomb their offices instead.

Potter star bombarded with Bibles

It's nice to see that the Good Book is being used for the purpose God intended it: as a weapon to beat Christianity into the heads of actors.

On war, Cheney sees 'corrupt' revisionism

And if anyone's an expert on corruption, it's Dick Cheney.

Iraqi Factions Seek Timetable for U.S. Pullout

What are they thinking? That would just make everyone happy, and there's no way Bush and Cheney will let that happen.

US boffins flick single-molecule switch

Hope the terrorists don't get their hands on this technology. Just one more molecule and they could control George Bush's brain.

Harry Potter's 'Goblet' overflows at box office

I'd heard that the young wizard had finally reached puberty, but this was a detail I really didn't need to know.

In Middle East, Diplomacy Is the New Word of Day

That's great news for today. But tomorrow's Word of the Day is going to be 'intolerance' for the 8,453rd time.

U.S. Backs Squeezing Oil From a Stone

This announcement is presumably from the same brain trust that brought you Intelligent Design.

Bush Worried By Chinese Crackdown On Dissent

The president remarked that America was now a world leader in cracking down on dissent, and that the Chinese should stick to things they're good at, such as building things cheaply.

Al-Zarqawi renounced by family

When he eventually comes out of hiding his mom is going to give him a smack on the head and put him in timeout for 2 years.