MPs dismiss torture flight denial

Those flights definitely exist, or at least existed. I once had to change a baby's diaper in a transatlantic airplane bathroom after the poop it contained exploded out and onto my pants.

Military reviewing practice of paying Iraq newspapers

As a budgetary measure, Pentagon top brass are suggesting simply threatening to bomb the hell out of them if they don't publish Bush-friendly propaganda.

Inuits transformed by global warming

No kidding! You ever tried living in a puddle?

Greenspan: US deficit may hurt economy

It's insight like that which has made him a financial icon.

Small scissors being allowed back on US planes

And the pilots were just getting good at pushing the buttons with long fingernails.

Woman Says 'Merci' After Face Transplant

Although she did show signs of concern that she had suddenly started speaking French.

ICANN Reverses Course on '.XXX' Domain

The internet governing body decided to pull out at the last minute.

Roadside bomb kills 10 Marines in Iraq

Smells like victory, eh George?

UN catalogs Chinese torture methods

Method #1 - Chinese burn
Method #2 - Chinese water torture
Method #3 - Chinese singing

Jennifer Garner Gives Birth to Baby Girl

As soon as the umbilical cord was cut the Alias star grabbed the baby, donned a wig, put on her high heels and sprinted down the hospital corridor as the delivery room exploded behind her.

Dueling Pope Movies Hit the Airwaves

I wonder what weapons they're using for the duel? Probably the terrifying smoking-ball-on-a-chain and the dastardly staff-with-the-hidden-blade-in-the-tip. Or maybe they'll simply wear sharpened pointy white hats. I like that idea.

One dead as Egyptian police open fire on voters

And this is a close ally of the US in promoting democracy in the Middle East?

Bush Hits Rewind

And to his dismay finds out that he can't control reality with his VCR.

We will not run: Bush vows

Of course not - American troops will flee on motorized vehicles, and then by air or sea.

Britney Spears Looks To The Occult To Save Her Marriage

As I feared when I heard she was pregnant, the Antichrist has indeed been born.

US military planting stories in Iraqi papers

Fox News chiefs are said to be outraged that other media outlets are receiving the same special attention as them.

Face Transplant Doc Also a Politician

There's something very appropriate about that professional combination.

George Michael Pulls an Elton

What - he's had a tantrum about his shoes?

Alito Documents: 'We Disagree With Roe v. Wade'

That's the most damning thing I've heard yet about this Alito guy. I mean, who refers to himself as 'we', except the Queen of England?

Bush details plan for 'victory'

And after the 'victory' he will be doing a standup comedy tour of the US.

Go Ahead, Call in Sick - It Prevents 'Presenteeism'

I'm now considering going out and finding a real job.

Bush Seeks New Immigration Strategy

Some armed forces will "re-immigrate" back home; some will immigrate to Syria; and the rest to Iran.

Chinese coal mine explosion kills 134

It really is impressive how well a communist government protects its workers and fellow citizens from industrial accidents. What a great few days for Chinese PR!

CPR Guidelines Focus on Chest Compressions, Not Breathing

Isn't 'not breathing' part of the problem?

Iraqis demand Saddam's execution as trial resumes

I say, don't bother with the trial; either execute him now or lead him around Baghdad naked on a donkey. Okay, okay, I watched Kingdom of Heaven last night.

Burning of Taliban bodies 'not a crime'

Something tells me that if insurgents somewhere in the world were burning American bodies, it wouldn't only be a crime, but would lead to some unpleasant military retaliation.

Wal-Mart signals strong start to holiday season

Once upon a time the start of the holiday season was signaled by a star rising in the East, not same-store sales rising by 4.3%.