Book may have helped police catch Gotovina

That would, of course, be the handy 'War Criminals in Hiding International Directory'.

Problems Mount for Japan's Space Probe

A malfunction has rendered the onboard zero-gravity karaoke experiments useless.

Iran's president: Israel should be moved to Europe

Okay, the guy is probably a crazy, dangerous fascist, but maybe this is just a preamble to suggesting that Iran be moved to Southern California.

Bulgaria to withdraw troops from Iraq by end-year

A Lada minivan is leaving Sofia this morning with a full tank of gas and is scheduled to rendez-vous with the soldiers in a couple of weeks, weather-permitting.

Dog's Genome Could Provide Clues to Disorders in Humans

Hopefully I'll soon find an explanation for why I stand on the bed and turn around three times before lying down. And then we'll tackly my affinity for shoving my nose in strangers' crotches...

Canada plane crash report was false alarm - police

Oooh... Canada almost had some news there.

Rice seems to shift policy on prisoners

In what was immediately hailed as a major advance by human rights groups, the US Secretary of State revealed to the press that she will no longer be personally torturing any prisoners.

Bush to focus on economic progress in Iraq

Here's a tip, George: maybe try focusing on the beautiful sunny weather in Iraq.

Saddam Skips 'Unjust' Court in Protest

Lucky him. I'm sure a few people would have liked to have skipped the 'unjust' torture carried out by his goons a few years back.

Kaiser: Beware of Netherlands

Breaking news from December 7, 1913.

Iraq hostage deadline extended

Maybe they should call it a hopeline. Just a thought.

Ads Blamed for US Children's Poor Diet, Study Says

What does this make American children's parents? Either irresponsible morons or mindless zombies who have also fallen under the influence of all-powerful advertising, my 'study' says.

Race for Cox Seat Heats Up Airwaves

I didn't even realize that radio porn had been invented.

Merkel to question Rice on secret CIA 'rendition' flights

The American Secretary of State is expected to defend the practice of flying suspected terrorists to secret detention centers overseas by explaining that it in no way violates their human rights; her own Commander-in-Chief routinely takes a plane and has no idea where he is when he lands.

Woman Who Had Face Transplant Doing Well

The patient was said to be confused however when visitors insisted on calling her Celine.

Marilyn Manson gets married

The groom wore black, the bride wore red, and the priest wore a goat's skull. Guests were limited, as the pentangle only held thirteen, and the beautiful, touching ceremony ended with a exchange of nose rings.

Police stop truck carrying missile launchers on Toronto-area highway

Thus begins the Canadian insurgency.

FBI Is Taking Another Look at Forged Prewar Intelligence

The conclusion? The forged intelligence was a clever fake that led the government to engineer a stupid reality.